Intellect vs Emotion

A battle between ones intellect and emotions is not a new idea, but what do you do when you have no emotional intelligence?

It would be easy to write me off as immature and weak.  It would not be the first time someone had accused me of such flaws, myself included, but it would be a false accusation.  A point I have to constantly remind myself of and it is exhausting.  I know I am a broken record, but you should never write someone off as weak or immature if they are struggling with mental illness–never.

Part of my condition is I have no emotional regulation or intellect.  When I feel emotions they come on way too strong and out of no where often turning into a panic attack.  This makes it really hard for me to figure out how I feel about a situation, or even a person.  Part of BPD is constantly falling into a dissociative state where I lose track of who I am, where I am, or what I want to do.  Pile on some lovely PSTD and I can find myself almost fainting at a drop of a hat–and often in the middle of a meeting or a classroom full of my colleagues.  There are times when I feel clear and I can understand my emotions and what they mean, but I often find myself drowning in very sudden circumstances. It is like being hit by a tidal wave, and can be a hindrance when it comes to my work in academics.

One of the ways I am dealing with this handicap is I took a step back from my work and cut down on the amount of responsibilities I had–this would be my intellect working. It also helps to take things one step at a time, one project at a time, one assignment at a time.  I can not stress how important time management is to me now that I am a graduate student.  It seems like such an obvious solution, but it can be tricky when you are battling what I like to call The Black Dog (depression) who also brings along his friends dissociation and anxiety.  That is one nasty pack that is hell-bent on biting you at the knees and taking you down.  When I say time management I don’t just mean for my work, I also mean for my day-to-day life.  In order for me to get going I have to constantly make mental lists in my head of each task I have to do even if it is as small as getting a glass of water, or taking a shower.  Then there are the written lists that include all the big things, like my various research position hours, my reading assignments, my thesis work, and my out of school time where I try to engage in writing events and friendships.

It is exhausting.

It is really hard to be self-aware of your own mental illness.  To be able to know exactly when the Black Dog is coming, but this does not have to be so scary.  I am trying to work out a way to use this awareness to better navigate my life.  There are invisible road blocks I have to move through every day, but if I can learn to combine my intellect with my emotions I will be able to accomplish anything–one day at a time.

Life should not be able intellect vs emotions.  It should be about utilizing both to their greatest potential.  If you are willing to take on that challenge–win or fail–you are anything but immature or weak.  You are my hero.

Until next time.

 

No Gain Without Pain

I injure easily.  I have an undiagnosed chronic condition–I can honestly say that because a specialist told me those exact words.  I have loose tendons that have caused dozens of injuries, mostly random and brought on by nothing.  I suffer from chronic pain so my tolerance is higher than most. I constantly feel a slave to my swollen joints and snapped tendons.

I recently threw out my hip again, and now I seem to have locked one of my finger joints.  I am currently on an insanely high dose of naproxen yet still I hurt.

Through all this physical pain I find the desire to push forward and harder as if my chronic physical aliments are manageable.  Yet I crumble in the twisted face of my mental illness.

Why?

There is no shame with having a physical disease.

A physical disease can be clearly seen and then fixed, reset, cut out–cured.

To me physical pain holds little control over my life.

It is my mental pain that strickens me.

Take a Moment and Step Back

Today I took another step in my journey to getting better and graduating from Grad School, but it has taken me some time to adjust to this change in my life.

Part of being mature and taking care of yourself is more than just recognizing your weaknesses–though that is a first step–it is the steps you take to becoming well.  One of the many steps I have taken is to take official accommodations for my schooling that includes cutting down on my work load.  It has been a struggle to not feel like I am just giving up–taking the easy way out.

I should remind myself that most people thought I would not make it this far.  That I was told that people who are as sick as I am are not capable of having a stable successful life.

I made a few promises along the way that I am not capable of breaking.  One is to keep on living and the other was to live a stable life.

The last few weeks have not been too stable, but I am determined to keep on trying.

Even keeping this blog seems strange, and I will try in the future to write more concisely.

Until then….

Force Yourself Until It Gets Easy

I have had a bad few days.

My PTSD takes me out of commission every now and again.  I can’t leave the house, I can’t leave my bed.  I avoid talking to anyone on the phone and I can only take via email.

When I was younger, and my depression was the main culprit, I would just do nothing for days on end.  I don’t want to be that person anymore, so I force myself to do something–do anything.

It is a quickly becoming a busy time of year for me with a few major projects on the go on top of my Research Assistant jobs.  This means I can’t do nothing, and I have to work through the depression, the panic attacks, the mild hallucinations.  (I will write more about that later)

The worst day was Monday.  I slept for half the day and then slowly woke up.  I decided to tackle something easy.  It helps to accomplish something when you feel wretched.  The first accomplishment of the day was cleaning.  Granted, this happened slowly, but it was accomplished.  I even got the strength do work on a few emails (if you have ever been to Grad School half of your work is sending emails, answering emails, arranging meetings, re arranging  meeting, etc etc.)

The next day was a bit better.  I woke up at 5 am from a nightmare that sent me into a panic attack. I made the choice not to go into class, but I promised myself to be productive.  I held that promise and finished all my readings, more emails, and even had a meeting over Skype for the committee I volunteer for.

Today is a bit better.  I will be honest and say I would prefer not the leave the house, but I feel like I can leave so I will leave.  I am not okay today, but I am better than yesterday.  I will do more today than I did yesterday.  I will force myself forward until I feel a bit better.

The key to this technique is knowing when to tap out.  I may need a day off again soon where I do nothing stressful.  I may plan a date with my partner, or read a book.  I have to make sure I don’t push myself too hard, but that I don’t let myself off easy.

I am not going to lie.

I am exhausted, and I have been for a very long time.

But I have lived long enough to know that it can get better, and I do have moments when I don’t feel ill.  I will try to work until I get there again.

It helps that I really love being in Grad School, and I adore doing research.

Until Next Time.

Beginnings are Hard

I have been meaning to start this blog for the five months.

I am not sure where to begin, so maybe an introduction to who I am is in order.

I am a 33-year-old woman who is currently half way through the first year of Grad School.  I am studying Humanities Computing at the University of Alberta, and I never thought I would make it this far.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and I suffer for PTSD.  Basically, I have crippling social anxieties, a panic disorder, depression, trouble regulating emotions, and I can fall into a dissociative state where I lose time and even hallucinate.  This can mean that those every day tasks that someone with good mental health does not even think about I find at times incredibly hard–or nearly impossible.

I made a promise to myself about a year ago that I would work towards getting better.  I had fallen into a routine that was making me miserable, and I was moving towards a dangerous path.  That is when I chose to apply to Grad School, to admit to myself and my closest friends and family I am ill, and to go seek the professional help I needed in order to move forward with my life.

This blog is me trying to record what it is like to have mental illness and navigate Grad School.  I think it is important for everyone to understand what mental illness is, and how to properly live with it.

I am not a professional.  I am just an average woman of reasonable intelligence and a lifetime of struggling with my illness.

If you are suffering from mental illness and it is having a negative effect on your way of life you should seek the help of a professional.  Not only that, but you should try to be honest with yourself and confide in someone you trust not to judge you on your journey.

The hardest thing I did this past year was fully admit I was ill and needed help.  The next hardest part was going out and getting that help–but I am doing that now and I hope to be more successful in the future.

I can honestly say I never thought I would make it this far.

More on that later.